Ashlin & Olivia Blurb Rewrite

[osprey_archer]

I've meant to revise Ashlin & Olivia's blurb for years, but the approaching Valentine's Day sale at I Heart Lesfic has finally given me a kick in the pants to get it done... or at least to take a stab at it. Does anyone have any thoughts about how to make this sound more irresistibly blurby?

***

After ice queen Ashlin destroyed their intense junior high friendship, Olivia hoped that she’d never see Ashlin again. But years later, when Olivia runs into Ashlin in Florence, Olivia is shocked to discover that she’s just as drawn to Ashlin as ever.

As they wander the streets of Florence, discussing art and eating gelato, Ashlin and Olivia slowly reconnect. Olivia revisits memories of their old friendship and begins to see the past in a new light - and to harbor fragile hopes for a future with Ashlin.

Olivia loves Ashlin. But has cool, reserved Ashlin thawed enough to trust Olivia with her heart?

Comments

[sovay]

their intense junior high friendship

Is there a way to tighten this or make it sound more colloquial or more intimate—e.g. "forever friendship in high school," if that's a thing that teens actually say? Otherwise it looks pretty romance-y to me.

[osprey_archer]

I might just say "intense childhood friendship" - the specific fact of junior high is perhaps not as important as the fact that they were pretty young at the time. The important dynamic is CHILDHOOD FRIENDS who have been TORN ASUNDER (mostly by their own poor people skills) but RECONNECT and discover that... they perhaps wish to be lovers?? Assuming they have figured out how to cope with the great intensity of their feelings without accidentally torpedoing all their other friendships.

[troisoiseaux]

+1 for "intense childhood friendship"! Imo it flows better, and avoids the weird regional (?) junior high/middle school/high school distinction.

[osprey_archer]

It's either regional or it's temporal; I think over time there's been a slow general move toward "middle school" rather than "junior high." Either way, I think it flows better with just one word in between "intense" and "friendship" rather than two.

[asakiyume]

Exactly. Yes--and what troisoiseaux says below, too.

Whoops, I mean above: my comment appears below theirs!

[osprey_archer]

Ha, no worries!

I've revised it a bit. What do you think of this;

Ice queen Ashlin has only one passion: art. That common interest drew Ashlin and Olivia together for an intense childhood friendship… until it drove them apart.

Years later, when Olivia runs into Ashlin in Florence, she’s shocked to discover that she’s just as drawn to Ashlin as ever. They wander the streets of Florence, rebuilding their friendship as they discuss art and eat gelato. Olivia begins to see their shared past in a new light - and to harbor fragile hopes for a romantic future with Ashlin.

Olivia loves Ashlin. But has cool, reserved Ashlin thawed enough to trust Olivia with her heart?

[asakiyume]

I feel as if this has lost a necessary element of pain that the destroyed-the-friendship phrasing conveyed. How about something like

The reserved and beautiful** Ashlin's passion for art drew Olivia to her in their childhood for a brief, intense friendship that ended disastrously.

Years later...

**you'd have to then delete "cool, reserved" from the descriptin in the last sentence if you go for something like this.

[osprey_archer]

I want to keep the ice queen phrasing because that's a trope that people look for (or avoid like the plague, in which case I want them well-warned!). How about:

Ice queen Ashlin’s passion for art drew Olivia to her for an intense childhood friendship. But after that friendship’s disastrous end, Olivia swore never to speak to Ashlin again. Etc. etc.

[asakiyume]

*nodding* re: ice queen

For this--> "But after that friendship's disastrous end" how about

"But after the friendship hurtled off a cliff"
or
"But after the friendship went up in flames"
or
"After the friendship's catastrophic end"

Or if the pain of how it ended could be worked in?

e.g.

"But after angry words dealt the friendship a mortal blow, Olivia never wanted to see Ashlin ever again"

[troisoiseaux]

Maybe Olivia was drawn to ice queen Ashlin's passion for art, but after a catastrophic end to their intense childhood friendship, she swore never to speak to Ashlin again? Although I'm not sure if that changes the framing of the sentence too much.

[asakiyume]

That's got a good rhythm to it!

[oracne]

This is a lot better!