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osprey_archerThis isn't an auction fic per se, but when I linked to the Fandom Loves Puerto Rico auction asakiyume offered to donate to Puerto Rico relief outside of the auction if I wrote more "How to Be a Better Dictator"...
And, well, who am I to refuse an opportunity to give dictators the benefit of my advice? (And to raise money for a good cause obvs.) It's no longer specifically Hunger Games related (I think I got that out of my system; although I still haven't seen the movies so WHO KNOWS what stupid things President Snow might get up to there?), but general advice for your average dictator-on-the-street.
(This offer is open, btw. If you've got a burning desire for an installment of How to Be a Better Dictator and a spare ten dollars or more for either ConPRmetidos or the ACLU, you know where to find me.)
***
“How can I find good minions?” This harrowing cry echoes through the correspondence of the Society for Improved Dictatorship. In response, we have decided to promulgate a pair of pamphlets about minion recruitment: one dedicated to recruiting common soldiers to fill your legions, and another for the more delicate task of finding high-ranking minions who display the perfect blend of loyalty, initiative, and subservience.
We use the word “recruiting” advisedly, because we at the SfID believe that old-fashioned recruitment is still the best way to fill the ranks of the army. Clone and robot armies are fashionable right now, but ultimately they’re just a fad, and an expensive one at that.
Now, there are a number of problems we could point out with both clone and robot armies. We could note that clones start out as infants, so it will be years before your army will be of any use to you – and in the meantime, you’ll have to pay someone to take care of those baby clones. We could also mention that genetically identical soldiers are also going to have genetically identical susceptibility to diseases – and you just know that your enemies will have their labs working night and day to find the clone blight that will rip through your armies like the potato blight ripped through the Irish potato crop back in the 1840s.
Irish potatoes all sprang from the same two potato plants that had been brought over from the New World years before. They were genetically identical incestuous potato clones. That’s what caused the Irish potato famine.
Moving on to a robot army, we might comment on the vulnerability of an army composed of soldiers who have no free will. Now, doubtless this seems like an advantage to you, but let’s think of the drawbacks. If the robots are centrally controlled, that control system will be all too easy for your enemies to hack. If, on the other hand, you try to give the robots some decision-making ability of their own, you run the risk of stumbling into true self-determination, in which case you’ll lose the total obedience that is the one true advantage that robots have over human soldiers. A robot that can make decisions is a robot that can rebel. This is the insoluble problem of free will.
Besides, metal and petroleum, the two resources you need to build robots, are expensive and nonrenewable. Humans, on the other hand, will reproduce themselves pretty much infinitely if you give them half a chance. The cost analysis here is clear.
In the end, robot and clone armies suffer from the same core conceptual flaw: they are attempts to design improvements on perfection. Humans are already killing machines. You’re not going to design anything better than what you’ve already got.
So why waste money on engineering when your own populace is growing a bumper crop of cannon fodder right outside your door? And at their own expense, too!
Moreover, an army recruited from the populace is a great loyalty enhancer. You have a golden opportunity to indoctrinate every single one of your recruits right down to the ground. Remember, people value group membership more if they have to fight to earn it. Your army training regime should be brutal. Hazing ought to be encouraged.
This effect will work even on unwilling recruits, but it is strongest if people join the army willingly. We realize there is some dictatorial cachet in dragging your weeping recruits from their relative’s loving arms, and of course you should always keep the draft in your back pocket as an option. But we believe it makes a stronger fighting force if at least some of your troops are there by choice.
Does your army offer opportunities for advancement that lower-class children could never find in civilian life? The chances for advancement need not be high to sucker recruits in. Hope springs eternal among the young. They all believe they’ll be the one who makes officer.
At very least, be sure the army’s got a snappy uniform. Rare is the peasant lad who can resist the opportunity to wear a swooshy cape.
But the benefits don’t stop with the recruits! Recruitment enhances regime loyalty not only among the soldiers themselves, but among their home communities! You might think that people might turn against you as their hometown’s finest sons begin to die in your wars, but in fact the effect is often the opposite. Once people have sacrificed their most precious possession to your cause, they strive to justify that loss, which binds them ever more tightly to your regime. It’s called the sunk cost fallacy. Exploit it to the hilt.
We hope this pamphlet has helped you resist the current fashion for clone and robot armies. Remember, you’re the dictator. Don’t let fads dictate to you!
asakiyume offered to donate to Puerto Rico relief outside of the auction if I wrote more "How to Be a Better Dictator"... And, well, who am I to refuse an opportunity to give dictators the benefit of my advice? (And to raise money for a good cause obvs.) It's no longer specifically Hunger Games related (I think I got that out of my system; although I still haven't seen the movies so WHO KNOWS what stupid things President Snow might get up to there?), but general advice for your average dictator-on-the-street.
(This offer is open, btw. If you've got a burning desire for an installment of How to Be a Better Dictator and a spare ten dollars or more for either ConPRmetidos or the ACLU, you know where to find me.)
***
“How can I find good minions?” This harrowing cry echoes through the correspondence of the Society for Improved Dictatorship. In response, we have decided to promulgate a pair of pamphlets about minion recruitment: one dedicated to recruiting common soldiers to fill your legions, and another for the more delicate task of finding high-ranking minions who display the perfect blend of loyalty, initiative, and subservience.
We use the word “recruiting” advisedly, because we at the SfID believe that old-fashioned recruitment is still the best way to fill the ranks of the army. Clone and robot armies are fashionable right now, but ultimately they’re just a fad, and an expensive one at that.
Now, there are a number of problems we could point out with both clone and robot armies. We could note that clones start out as infants, so it will be years before your army will be of any use to you – and in the meantime, you’ll have to pay someone to take care of those baby clones. We could also mention that genetically identical soldiers are also going to have genetically identical susceptibility to diseases – and you just know that your enemies will have their labs working night and day to find the clone blight that will rip through your armies like the potato blight ripped through the Irish potato crop back in the 1840s.
Irish potatoes all sprang from the same two potato plants that had been brought over from the New World years before. They were genetically identical incestuous potato clones. That’s what caused the Irish potato famine.
Moving on to a robot army, we might comment on the vulnerability of an army composed of soldiers who have no free will. Now, doubtless this seems like an advantage to you, but let’s think of the drawbacks. If the robots are centrally controlled, that control system will be all too easy for your enemies to hack. If, on the other hand, you try to give the robots some decision-making ability of their own, you run the risk of stumbling into true self-determination, in which case you’ll lose the total obedience that is the one true advantage that robots have over human soldiers. A robot that can make decisions is a robot that can rebel. This is the insoluble problem of free will.
Besides, metal and petroleum, the two resources you need to build robots, are expensive and nonrenewable. Humans, on the other hand, will reproduce themselves pretty much infinitely if you give them half a chance. The cost analysis here is clear.
In the end, robot and clone armies suffer from the same core conceptual flaw: they are attempts to design improvements on perfection. Humans are already killing machines. You’re not going to design anything better than what you’ve already got.
So why waste money on engineering when your own populace is growing a bumper crop of cannon fodder right outside your door? And at their own expense, too!
Moreover, an army recruited from the populace is a great loyalty enhancer. You have a golden opportunity to indoctrinate every single one of your recruits right down to the ground. Remember, people value group membership more if they have to fight to earn it. Your army training regime should be brutal. Hazing ought to be encouraged.
This effect will work even on unwilling recruits, but it is strongest if people join the army willingly. We realize there is some dictatorial cachet in dragging your weeping recruits from their relative’s loving arms, and of course you should always keep the draft in your back pocket as an option. But we believe it makes a stronger fighting force if at least some of your troops are there by choice.
Does your army offer opportunities for advancement that lower-class children could never find in civilian life? The chances for advancement need not be high to sucker recruits in. Hope springs eternal among the young. They all believe they’ll be the one who makes officer.
At very least, be sure the army’s got a snappy uniform. Rare is the peasant lad who can resist the opportunity to wear a swooshy cape.
But the benefits don’t stop with the recruits! Recruitment enhances regime loyalty not only among the soldiers themselves, but among their home communities! You might think that people might turn against you as their hometown’s finest sons begin to die in your wars, but in fact the effect is often the opposite. Once people have sacrificed their most precious possession to your cause, they strive to justify that loss, which binds them ever more tightly to your regime. It’s called the sunk cost fallacy. Exploit it to the hilt.
We hope this pamphlet has helped you resist the current fashion for clone and robot armies. Remember, you’re the dictator. Don’t let fads dictate to you!
no subject
Date: 2017-10-29 10:08 pm (UTC)A worthy pamphlet--I shall have to spread the word via Twitter.
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Date: 2017-10-29 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-10-30 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-10-30 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-06 05:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-11-06 03:02 pm (UTC)