AAAAAGH

[osprey_archer]

There has been a small red patch on my right breast for the last few days - sort of comma shaped, just above the nipple toward my armpit, and as it hasn't gone away I looked it up on the internet, which cheerfully informs me that this and indeed anything else slightly odd about one's breasts is a sign of inflammatory breast cancer, which is rare and deadly and terrible.

Naturally I have decided that I am probably dying. I'm not sure if I believe I'm probably dying. It might be more accurate to say that I'm afraid I'm probably dying. I've been freaking out all morning about probably dying; I scheduled my yearly check-up at the women's clinic, which didn't help, so then I scheduled an appointment specifically for my breasts, which will not take place for two weeks, which is plenty of time for me to expire of sheer terror.

I have been telling myself that if it is inflammatory breast cancer, then two weeks won't make a difference because it kills everyone anyway. This is not very cheering.

Alternatively, everything will disappear tomorrow and when I go see the nurse practitioner she'll be all "You're perfectly fine, you hypochondriac," which will make me feel stupid. I have never hoped so devoutly to feel stupid in my life.

I would feel better if the internet showed any signs that there were any other breast problems in the world aside from breast cancer, but it seems to be breast cancer all the way down.