AAAAAGH

[osprey_archer]

There has been a small red patch on my right breast for the last few days - sort of comma shaped, just above the nipple toward my armpit, and as it hasn't gone away I looked it up on the internet, which cheerfully informs me that this and indeed anything else slightly odd about one's breasts is a sign of inflammatory breast cancer, which is rare and deadly and terrible.

Naturally I have decided that I am probably dying. I'm not sure if I believe I'm probably dying. It might be more accurate to say that I'm afraid I'm probably dying. I've been freaking out all morning about probably dying; I scheduled my yearly check-up at the women's clinic, which didn't help, so then I scheduled an appointment specifically for my breasts, which will not take place for two weeks, which is plenty of time for me to expire of sheer terror.

I have been telling myself that if it is inflammatory breast cancer, then two weeks won't make a difference because it kills everyone anyway. This is not very cheering.

Alternatively, everything will disappear tomorrow and when I go see the nurse practitioner she'll be all "You're perfectly fine, you hypochondriac," which will make me feel stupid. I have never hoped so devoutly to feel stupid in my life.

I would feel better if the internet showed any signs that there were any other breast problems in the world aside from breast cancer, but it seems to be breast cancer all the way down.

Comments

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, you have all my sympathy. I found a lump in my breast back in February and went through the exact same thing – though at least in my case I only had to wait a week for my appointment, and so had less time to panic. (I am totally fine, by the way! It turned out to be a meaningless cyst that went away on its own in a month or so.)

I found it helpful to just not look at the internet at all. I mean, I looked at my usual social media, but I refused to google anything health or symptom related. The truth is that the medical side of the internet specializes in worst-case scenarios; it's never just a headache, it's always brain cancer, etc, etc. Cutting myself off from all that helped me keep my panic manageable, though I don't know if it would work for you as well.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

I really ought to know better than to google symptoms, because I always end up convinced that I have meningitis or cancer or an exciting new heart defect or God knows what. Usually I don't freak out quite this comprehensively; I've been reading a book about death anxiety (and writing a fic with lots of Impending Doom) and I suspect that this primed my brain for a meltdown.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Eh, I think very few people would not freak out in a similar situation. Breast cancer is so prevalent in the culture – movies, TV shows, awareness campaigns, pink ribbons, marathons and celebrity commercials and change jars in every store for small donations – that it's almost impossible to keep your mind from leaping to that conclusion. And if it's talked about so much, your brain thinks, it must be incredibly terrible!

But you know, the reality is that most health problems are not cancer, and even in the rare cases that it is cancer, it's not always deadly. You will probably be okay! Even though I know it's very hard to believe that right now.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

The internet will always tell you it's cancer. Cough? Lung cancer. Headache? Brain cancer. Sniffle? Nose cancer.

It sounds like a rash. Has it been hot where you are? Not to be too TMI, but that's an area that tends to get sweaty and is prone to prickly heat and other heat/moisture-related rashes. It will probably disappear before your appointment.

But since you're worried, you could go to Urgent Care today. However, this carries the risk of getting a total incompetent who will order some crazy expensive and frightening test that will tell you that it's a rash. (As you can tell I am now very suspicious of all doctors and intend to avoid them as much as possible should I ever recover from my current illness.)

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

The small part of my brain still capable of rational thought thinks it's probably a rash. It has been hot here and my skin flares up with stuff all the time, for any reason or none at all.

The rest of my brain seems to have finally worn out its capacity for panic, at least for the day, and I have concluded that even if I am dying I will at least leave behind a legacy of excellent fanfic. In the past I've felt sort of bad that I wrote so much fanfic instead of profic, but in the face of possible death the distinction seems less meaningful.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Dude, if your skin flares up often, this is DEFINITELY a rash. Do you have the thing where pressure or scratching leaves pink or darker-than-your-skin marks or welts?

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Yes! I scratch an itch and it leaves raised red streaks behind.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Okay, so this is technically dermatitis urticaria. I have it too. Up until this year, I thought everyone had it and it was just more noticeable on me because I have extremely light skin. But no, it's a… thing. (I hesitate to call it a disease if it doesn't cause problems, which for me it doesn't. If you google it, you'll get scary photos of people with really extreme cases, which you obviously don't have.)

Anyway, this is the most likely explanation of your mark. I also sometimes get red marks in odd places that take a few days to fade away.

[evelyn-b.livejournal.com]

Oh, no! :( It's always stressful to have to wait for an answer.

I have a bunch of harmless weirdness in my breast tissue, so every time I go to a doctor they're like OH DEAR WHAT'S THIS NOW oh wait no it's fine I guess. I hope your comma is nothing in particular - it sounds like it easily could be.

It's always good to check up, but try to avoid looking up symptoms! Worst case scenarios are rare, but once they're in your head it's hard to get them out.

I hope everything is totally fine!

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Breasts are so weird. Why can't human just have reasonable little nipples like dogs or cats? Doesn't that seem so much more efficient and easier to fit shirts over and less cancer-prone? You never hear about cats dying of nipple cancer.

I'm feeling a bit better about everything now; I think I just wore out my freak-out capacity, which is good, I suppose. At any rate there's not much to do now but wait.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

The first thing I ended up reading about was written by a woman who had it and recovered (has been cancer free for 10 years), so it doesn't kill everyone, and it seems as if the reason it kills so many people is they don't realize they have it--so you're ahead!

... But it's very rare. It says only 1 percent of breast cancers are inflammatory breast cancer. Plus, as a person under 30, your chances of having [correction: any form of breast cancer] are approximately 1 in 1,500 (according to some official-looking site I visited).

But as a severe hypochondriac, myself, I understand your anxiety totally. Although I expect it will be nothing dangerous, I'm glad you have an appointment.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

I should just make it a policy not to look up symptoms on the internet. Everything is CANCER or HEART DISEASE or possibly MENINGITIS, or at any rate something that will kill you, presumably because IMMINENT DEATH gets more page clicks than "Eh, sounds like a rash." Especially among the hypochondriacs like us, who probably make up a disproportionate number of the people looking up symptoms on the internet anyway.

[khiemtran.livejournal.com]

I have never hoped so devoutly to feel stupid in my life.

You're never stupid for getting something checked out. Better safe than sorry...

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Better safe than sorry.

[littlerhymes]

If I've learned one thing from Dr Google, it's that all symptoms lead to cancer. Avoid Dr Google!

Anyway, I'm glad you're getting it checked out. All the best!!!

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

It's always cancer. Everything in the world is a symptom of cancer. We are all basically walking tumors.

Really though, it's given me a new respect for just how difficult diagnosis must be for real doctors. So many symptoms point to multiple possible problems, so it must be difficult to figure out which problem is the right one.