On Apologies

[osprey_archer]

A few days ago asakiyume posted an excellent report about Readercon, particularly a section about not apologizing for your work when you perform it or post it - that apologizing is asking the audience to give you a gift of their acceptance, rather than giving them a gift of your work.

And it does make the story feel like a demand rather than a gift: as if it’s being shared for the sake of getting "No really, this is actually great!" feedback. But couching art in those terms in effect spoils the feedback: one has to wonder how sincere the feedback is when the work is presented in terms that suggest the author needs an ego boost.

Feedback is an expression of love and, like all expressions of love, maybe it loses something if you have to ask for it.

***

Clearly there are times when it appropriate to say, “I need you to tell me you love me; I need you to support me.” And being able to ask that - to have confidence that such a request will be fulfilled - can show the strength of a relationship.

But if someone offers these things only when asked, then I do think that’s a sign that something is wrong: that, probably, your love (not necessarily romantic love) is unrequited. A relationship is supposed to go both ways.

***

asakiyume pointed out that, though we rarely think of it that way, an apology is often a social demand: a particularly abject apology often ends with the injured party comforting the person apologizing - because the apology has focused attention on how terribly guilty the apologizer feels, not on the suffering of the person they wrong.

I've been thinking about guilt recently, and the way that people can use their own feeling of guilt to shield themselves from the consequences of the way they act to other people. They dwell on how guilty they feel, rather than how bad they made the other person feel - “You can't possibly accuse me of anything that I haven't accused myself of a thousand times.”

But often the point is not that you (general you) have never thought something and need to be told it, but that the other person needs to say it and to have you acknowledged that their pain is more important than your guilt.

Guilt is such a painful emotion that it's hard to think of it as something that we might indulge in. But wallowing in feelings of guilt allows us to get out of the hard part of actually making amends. Guilt is just a feeling, and simply feeling it does no good for the people we have hurt. Making amends requires action; and action is scary, because it can be rejected.

Comments

[bunn.livejournal.com]

You don't think that there are performers who may be unable to get the confidence to perform, except through apology?

I think there is always that worry, when producing a creative thing : OK, you are giving the audience the gift of your work - but what if your gift turns out to be one of those rather awkward, ill thought out gifts that is politely brought out to display when you visit, but otherwise hidden in a cupboard under a teatowel?

I think guilt is in a slightly different category, because if there is guilt, then there is presumably an injured party.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Can I jump in too? I'm sure osprey_archer will have her own thoughts when she returns to LJ, but I had some.

First, I do agree that apology for hurting someone in some way, and the guilt you feel over that, is different from an apology made in advance of a performance, which is more about nervousness or fear of exasperating or boring the audience. It was sort of just train of thought that we ended up talking about both types of apology at the same time.

Regarding your first question, I certainly think there are! The person who was giving the workshop was bringing it up as a point because a lot of people do it without thinking, and she wanted people to try to move beyond that. But she said she herself had trouble getting over the habit, so yeah, I'm sure she does know that it's hard for people to work up the courage to perform without apologies. I imagine csecooney (the one who gave the workshop) would have good advice for how to em-braven yourself without the use of apologies.

One thing she did say was that most times the audience comes primed to like what you do--even if it *is* rough around the edges, even if there *are* things that could be better, most audiences want to be encouraging (this may vary with the community, but I prefer supportive communities, so it's true for the ones I run in, I think). So maybe one way to see it is as honoring them by trusting them with your work just as it is.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

I do think the two kinds of apologies are related, though, because people often feel - maybe not exactly injured - but as if their time has been wasted if they sit through a performance or read a story that is awful. Like reviews of terrible movies, where people complain "the movie-makers stole my time and money with this incoherent mess."

An apology is like an insurance policy, so the audience won't be that frank. Especially in an amateur or fandom context, no one is going to say, "You were so right to apologize for this, because it really does suck."

And I agree that often the audience comes primed to like what you do. Especially in fandom, it's very rare for people to critique anything unless they've been specifically and repeatedly asked to.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they are related--just, I guess, some forms of injury are worse than others? And in the case of the apology prior to performance, you're apologizing before committing the theoretical offense.

LOL, imagine that in other contexts.

"Okay, so, I'm going to be stealing your purse, but I'm totally totally sorry, I really am. Really, I feel so bad about it."

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Okay, that made me laugh.

I can just imagine a whole conversation spiraling off this between the potential purse thief and the person with the purse: "Um, if you really feel bad about stealing then wouldn't you not do it?"

Actually, that sort of thing might be a textbook example of using guilt as a substitute for actually behaving like a good person...

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Doubtless there are. There are also performers who forget their punchlines when they get flustered, or singers who sometimes forget the words to a song they haven't practiced for a while, or speak too quietly at their public readings. A performer can do any of these things and still ultimately give a good performance, but they've weakened their performance.

So performers need to work on being brave enough to present their work without apology, just like they work on remembering the punchlines and speaking loudly enough to be heard.

And if a particular work turns out to be hide-under-the-tea-cozy bad - I agree with asakiyume: in most amateur contexts, the worst thing that will happen is deafening silence.

In a professional context, people may write excoriating reviews, because unlike friends and relations, the public is not going to keep something hidden under a tea cozy to display when you visit. They are going to display it so they can make fun of it loudly and at length, a la Twilight.

Tl;dr: Being brave enough to present one's work without apology is a skill that has to be practiced, just like the other parts of giving a performance.

[artemis_wandering]

Your guilt comments are so spot on, which, ironically, just makes me feel guilty for feeling guilt. I do at least try, when I am actually sorry for something (not the awkward "sorry" you exchange in the middle of a crowded hall) to show I am sorry. The rest of the time, I try not to say sorry, if I don't mean it. But, it's hard to to feel guilt when you grow up with it. :P And in families, guilt is much easier than ever trying to actually change anything.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Your guilt comments are so spot on, which, ironically, just makes me feel guilty for feeling guilt

Ha, I think this is often an issue. I know there are days when even thinking about trying to do better makes me feel worse, and then mad at myself for feeling bad at all...

[c-maxx.livejournal.com]

Note, I haven't seen the subject post at this time. But in general, I think it's OK to either "just throw it out there for comment" or to ask for support when the need for support occurs.

Apology can be a way to ask for support.

But there's a line in the response between giving honest comment, and giving honest support. We can give support even if we don't have positive feedback on the comment side, they are separate issues.

As when someone we care about behaves in a way we don't approve, we can love the person but disapprove the behavior...