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osprey_archerI spent the evening rereading the novel that I wrote when I was fifteen/sixteen. I was hoping it would make me feel better about the sputterings of my Dread First Draft, but I am now convinced that my writing skills have actually receded over the intervening years, so that kind of backfired.
Oh well. Here, have a story snippet. I'm trying to decide whether or not reviewers would think this was Convincing Teenage Girl.
Voyageur Park was a thinly wooded square of land just across from the football fields. Candles lined the pathways, the playground equipment was wound with holly, and an ice sculpture sat at the center of the square. I smiled, pleased by the aesthetic; unlike the gym, the park looked festively ethereal.
Devon took my mittened hand in his. His dress shoes squeaked in the thin layer of slush on the ground, and his breath came out in luminous puffs. “It’s nice out here,” he said.
Devon had a talent for stating the blatantly obvious. “Yeah,” I said. The slush was soaking through my stockings, and I wished Devon wasn’t there; I could have been walking on the snow, a psychokinetic trick that had taken Jocelyn and me all last winter to master, if he wasn’t. Then again, there were other couples walking out here. Although they looked awfully absorbed in one another…
We walked in silence for a little bit, finally pausing to sit on the swings. I twisted on the chains, staring at the candles.
“So,” said Devon, after watching me twist for a few minutes. “So, do you know what Alisha was talking about?”
“With Christopher?”
He nodded, looking down at the ground.
“I’d never seen the boy before tonight. Alisha was probably…” what was Alisha doing, anyway? Lying blatantly for no apparent reason? What was she thinking? “She’s usually nicer than that,” I said lamely. I sounded like Christy, but really, what could I say? Alisha’s a complete bitch and I wish she would roast in the flames of hell?
He smiled. “You’re really a very forgiving person, aren’t you?”
“Not really. Not usually.”
He laughed. “You’re being modest,” he said. “You’re nicer than most of the girls on the basketball team.”
Now what was I supposed to say to that? “Some of them are nice,” I said, swinging a little more. “Marian. HepsiBeth. Christy.”
He laughed again. “As I said. You’re very forgiving person.”
“How can I be forgiving if there’s nothing to forgive?” I asked, exasperated. “Unless you’re saying that I should hate them merely on principle that they’re on the basketball team? Wow, that would really make me a kind person, hating people just because of the sport they choose to play. Am I nice and forgiving for being out here with you, just because you’re on the basketball team?” I pumped harder, stopping when a shower of holly leaves rained down on my head.
Devon was staring at the ground, his dark hair flopping forward into his face. “I didn’t mean it quite like that,” he mumbled.
Oh, smooth, Julia, I thought, irritated with myself. You’re acting exactly like Alisha and Sam and Kelsey, picking on him for the slightest provocation. “I know you didn’t.” I kicked the slush. “But see? I really am not a nice or forgiving person. Nor even very tolerant. Just ask my old teachers! ‘Julia, you need to learn how to get along with people, you need to stop thinking you’re better than everyone else,” I mimicked.
“Learn how to get along with other people?” echoed Devon. “I think your teachers need to get their heads checked. I could name a half dozen people off the top of my head who need to learn that more than you.”
“Only a half dozen?” I teased.
He shrugged comically. “More like half the school!”
I laughed again, and swung a little more, thinking.
“Does Alisha have a good reason to be mad at me?” I asked finally. I’d never seen them walking together—nor really had any indication that they were going out—but it was better to know.
Devon considered. “Not really.”
More swinging.
“Have you ever heard the some ‘Some Enchanted Evening?’” asked Devon.
“Yeah. Why?”
“It’s running through my head right now.”
A little warning sign popped up in my head right then, reading: Romance Ahead. I brushed it aside, thinking suddenly, oh, be quiet. I’m having a fine time.
“It is a lovely night,” I said, taking the prize for Blatant Observation of the Year. Oh well. Devon could think that was something we had in common, right?
“Julia,” Devon blurted suddenly, “would you go out with me?”
I wasn’t quite ready for that question. “Um, um,” I stammered articulately. “Go where?”
He beamed, apparently taking that as acceptance. “Did you get an invitation to HepsiBeth’s New Year’s party?” he asked. I nodded. “To that, then. For starters. We could go as a couple.”
I hesitated. But then…why not? Socialization. And Devon was amusing, at least. “All right.”
This story... probably does not go where you think it's going. Although I suppose that depends where you think it's going. Care to hazard a guess?
Oh well. Here, have a story snippet. I'm trying to decide whether or not reviewers would think this was Convincing Teenage Girl.
Voyageur Park was a thinly wooded square of land just across from the football fields. Candles lined the pathways, the playground equipment was wound with holly, and an ice sculpture sat at the center of the square. I smiled, pleased by the aesthetic; unlike the gym, the park looked festively ethereal.
Devon took my mittened hand in his. His dress shoes squeaked in the thin layer of slush on the ground, and his breath came out in luminous puffs. “It’s nice out here,” he said.
Devon had a talent for stating the blatantly obvious. “Yeah,” I said. The slush was soaking through my stockings, and I wished Devon wasn’t there; I could have been walking on the snow, a psychokinetic trick that had taken Jocelyn and me all last winter to master, if he wasn’t. Then again, there were other couples walking out here. Although they looked awfully absorbed in one another…
We walked in silence for a little bit, finally pausing to sit on the swings. I twisted on the chains, staring at the candles.
“So,” said Devon, after watching me twist for a few minutes. “So, do you know what Alisha was talking about?”
“With Christopher?”
He nodded, looking down at the ground.
“I’d never seen the boy before tonight. Alisha was probably…” what was Alisha doing, anyway? Lying blatantly for no apparent reason? What was she thinking? “She’s usually nicer than that,” I said lamely. I sounded like Christy, but really, what could I say? Alisha’s a complete bitch and I wish she would roast in the flames of hell?
He smiled. “You’re really a very forgiving person, aren’t you?”
“Not really. Not usually.”
He laughed. “You’re being modest,” he said. “You’re nicer than most of the girls on the basketball team.”
Now what was I supposed to say to that? “Some of them are nice,” I said, swinging a little more. “Marian. HepsiBeth. Christy.”
He laughed again. “As I said. You’re very forgiving person.”
“How can I be forgiving if there’s nothing to forgive?” I asked, exasperated. “Unless you’re saying that I should hate them merely on principle that they’re on the basketball team? Wow, that would really make me a kind person, hating people just because of the sport they choose to play. Am I nice and forgiving for being out here with you, just because you’re on the basketball team?” I pumped harder, stopping when a shower of holly leaves rained down on my head.
Devon was staring at the ground, his dark hair flopping forward into his face. “I didn’t mean it quite like that,” he mumbled.
Oh, smooth, Julia, I thought, irritated with myself. You’re acting exactly like Alisha and Sam and Kelsey, picking on him for the slightest provocation. “I know you didn’t.” I kicked the slush. “But see? I really am not a nice or forgiving person. Nor even very tolerant. Just ask my old teachers! ‘Julia, you need to learn how to get along with people, you need to stop thinking you’re better than everyone else,” I mimicked.
“Learn how to get along with other people?” echoed Devon. “I think your teachers need to get their heads checked. I could name a half dozen people off the top of my head who need to learn that more than you.”
“Only a half dozen?” I teased.
He shrugged comically. “More like half the school!”
I laughed again, and swung a little more, thinking.
“Does Alisha have a good reason to be mad at me?” I asked finally. I’d never seen them walking together—nor really had any indication that they were going out—but it was better to know.
Devon considered. “Not really.”
More swinging.
“Have you ever heard the some ‘Some Enchanted Evening?’” asked Devon.
“Yeah. Why?”
“It’s running through my head right now.”
A little warning sign popped up in my head right then, reading: Romance Ahead. I brushed it aside, thinking suddenly, oh, be quiet. I’m having a fine time.
“It is a lovely night,” I said, taking the prize for Blatant Observation of the Year. Oh well. Devon could think that was something we had in common, right?
“Julia,” Devon blurted suddenly, “would you go out with me?”
I wasn’t quite ready for that question. “Um, um,” I stammered articulately. “Go where?”
He beamed, apparently taking that as acceptance. “Did you get an invitation to HepsiBeth’s New Year’s party?” he asked. I nodded. “To that, then. For starters. We could go as a couple.”
I hesitated. But then…why not? Socialization. And Devon was amusing, at least. “All right.”
This story... probably does not go where you think it's going. Although I suppose that depends where you think it's going. Care to hazard a guess?
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-20 06:21 pm (UTC)That's not bad, there! A little tightening up is all it needs. The dialog is great.
So...I'm hazarding a guess...this is NOT the guy, and Julia ends up telekinetically throwing him off a cliff. ;)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-20 11:09 pm (UTC)Sometimes I think about rewriting this story - I think parts of it could be transferred without too much work, even. But then I think it might be like you with your first novel: it's something I loved and perhaps needed to write then, but I may have moved on.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-21 02:17 am (UTC)Sometimes, they are what they are. Sometimes, they can be so much more. You'll figure it out.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-20 10:33 pm (UTC)I think it reads wonderfully. I like all Julia's admonishments to herself.
I can't imagine where it's going. Is Alisha important? Julia's powers probably are...
no subject
Date: 2010-02-20 11:06 pm (UTC)Alisha is important. Julia's powers should have been, but they were sadly bungled, because I realized halfway through that I wasn't actually interested in writing about Julia hiding from the reporters and FBI agents who descended to investigate Paranormal Disturbances at Small Midwestern High School.
Sometimes I consider rewriting it, but given how little I do with it I really think I'd have to get rid of the psychokinesis and... :/ But we'll see. If I ever run short of ideas I can always dig this out so I'll have something to work on.