Chicago

[osprey_archer]

I am returned from an excellent trip to Chicago! I met missroserose (we meant to go to a tea place only to find it CLOSED, but fortunately there was a Starbucks across the street) and then went onward to spend the weekend with my college friend Rachel, who has settled into a beautiful condo in Lakeview with the most wonderful bay windows, and just enough foot traffic on the street below that you could sit and people watch for hours.

Which we did not do. Instead we cuddled her cat Cleo (who is possibly the most beautiful of my friends’ cats, although you must not tell my other friends I said that) and ate blueberry pound cake (there was approximately a quarter of a large bundt cake left by the end), and watched To Walk Invisible: The Bronte Sisters (about which more anon), and also the Romola Garai Emma, which is my very favorite Emma and possibly my favorite Austen miniseries adaptation of all time. And Rachel hadn’t seen it before! I was quite proud of myself for introducing her to it.

On Sunday we actually left the apartment and had brunch and went to a coffee and tea emporium and also a card shop, where I spent an appalling amount of money on cards, but it was imperative to stock up because I may not be back to Chicago for a while, as Rachel is having a baby.

Rachel is the first of my friends to have a baby so I don’t know exactly what to expect, but I have it on good authority that The Baby Will Change Everything so… we’ll just see what happens. I think there’s a fifty-fifty chance that this will be my last visit ever, which may be pessimistic?, but then most of my college friends have fallen out of touch, so.

Of course, most of them were international students, and most of them moved internationally again post-graduation. Both sides have to be super invested in maintaining a relationship when you are literally halfway around the world from each other and might never see each other in person again, and generally they have not been super invested and… it is what it is.

It feels to me sometimes that college has become the new high school, that people talk about it as the Best Years of Your Life when you are supposed to find the friends who Really Understand You, and I really did not find that to be true. High school was not that great but nonetheless those were Better Years of My Life than college.

Probably telling everyone that a particular period ought to be The Best Years of Your Life will just generally tend to sow demoralization and self-doubt, anyway.

This is a gloomy reflection for a visit that was actually quite lovely. But I suppose the end of an era is apt to prompt melancholy reflection.

Comments

[asakiyume]

My sister had the same experience of college and felt very disoriented, because our parents definitely foisted that best-years-of-your-life narrative on us. Fortunately there can be several Very Great periods of one's life.

I was the first person of any of my friends to have a baby. It doesn't have to be a friendship-ending thing. It's a big life change, but other things that people end up doing can be just as big (e.g, getting a super-intense job, or suffering a health blow, or having some unusual good fortune). I think both sides can feel the barrier of the different circumstances is too hard to overcome--or not! Like you say, it takes both sides wanting to maintain the relationship.

Super-glad you got to meet missroserose, though.

[osprey_archer]

I suppose most best-years-of-your-life! narratives arise from people for whom college (or high school, or whatever) was the best years of their life (or at least really good years) and it's not meant to be prescriptive... But if you've heard it enough times, then it starts to feel like you're doing it wrong if you can't live up to it.

It has occurred to me since I wrote this entry that my mother has a friend who gave birth to her first child just a few years ago (she's quite a bit younger than my mother) and also lives in Turkey, but they still manage to keep in touch. So it's definitely possible!

It helps that the friend often travels for business in the US, so they do get to see each other. Maybe I should keep my eyes open for, say, a conference I'd like to attend in Chicago, so I could visit without putting the full stress of hosting a purely social visit on Rachel.

[missroserose]

It's probably not as interesting as a conference, but I happen to know someone in Chicago who's buying a condo that'll have a good-size guest room and a fireplace to write by and an in-house massage therapist. So, y'know, please consider yourself invited for a weekend if you'd like to visit your friend. :)

[osprey_archer]

Duly noted! Right now I'm just sitting tight & seeing how things develop.

[sovay]

Rachel is the first of my friends to have a baby so I don’t know exactly what to expect, but I have it on good authority that The Baby Will Change Everything so… we’ll just see what happens. I think there’s a fifty-fifty chance that this will be my last visit ever, which may be pessimistic?, but then most of my college friends have fallen out of touch, so.

For what it's worth, I have never had reproduction per se end a friendship. Keeping in touch and seeing what happens may work out.

[osprey_archer]

It has occurred to me since I wrote this entry that my mother has a friend who gave birth to her first child just a few years ago (she's quite a bit younger than my mother) and also lives in Turkey, but they still manage to keep in touch. So it's definitely possible!

[missroserose]

It was so delightful meeting you! I love it when you find someone interesting that you can just talk with easily for hours...although I hope I didn't monopolize too much of the conversation, heh.

I think it's interesting what you say about college being the new high school. I wonder if that has to do with the fact that (as a populace) we're becoming increasingly mobile and likely to move away, whereas in years past there was a decent chance you'd settle in or near the place you went to college unless you were going to grad school someplace else. I definitely enjoyed my college experience more than my high school one, but I wouldn't say either were the 'best years of my life'. I often think that phrase is applied by adults who're being intentionally obtuse as to the stressors of one's teens and early twenties. True, you don't (usually) have the stress of things like bills and dependents and failing health and aging family, and I can see why that world-expanding sense of possibility is so attractive to someone who's made choices they're not happy with, but there are plenty of other stressors involved that people seem to want to ignore. For every moment of world-expanding inspiration there's several of paralytic stress about making the wrong choice and Ruining Your Entire Future.

Echoing what asakiyume said; Big Life Changes are always fraught, but if both people make an effort there's no reason for the relationship to suffer. Also, something I've been delighted to discover as I grow older—sometimes people you fall out of touch with for one reason or another come back, when life circumstances change and your relationship has a place in their lives again. Change taketh away, but change also giveth. :)

[osprey_archer]

"Intentionally obtuse" seems a bit harsh. I think people who reminisce about the best years of their lives (be those years high school or college) are usually sincere: even if they have a clear-eyed memory of the stresses they were under at the time, still the joy and excitement of the experience outweigh that for them. You and I may have had several moments of paralytic stress to every one of world-expanding inspiration, but that doesn't mean that everyone who remembers their youth differently is misremembering.

And it's not like there's any period of a human life that is liable to be stress-free, anyway.

[ladyherenya]

This set me thinking about the whole Best Years of Your Life thing, and I ended up realising something which I sort of already knew but nevertheless found helpful to put into words. Years (usually) involve both good things and bad things and, in each year, whether the balance tips more one way or another depends on individual circumstances.

[osprey_archer]

Yes. I wonder why there's this rush to declare certain years the best years? It doesn't even stop after high school & university are over; I've had people assure me that "your thirties are better than your twenties." I mean, hopefully! But that's really going to depend on the individual.