Thinking of Women as Likeable

[osprey_archer]

This post. So much this post. Thinking of women as likeable in a misogynistic culture is truly a radical act.

It’s about the fact that American culture tries to teach us to see women as default unlikeable, and the fact that one of the most radical things we can do is to refuse to buy into that. To assume that the women we meet, and the female characters we read and watch, are likeable until proven otherwise.

This is, for me, the heart of being a feminist. We can speak all the right words, about rape culture and slut-shaming, and fathom all the mysteries of the patriarchy, and stand up against the iniquities of the earth, but without love, it is nothing. Without love, feminism can be used as just one more set of criteria to impose on women: yet another definition of the right way to be a woman, and yet another way to shame women who don’t fit that definition.

I always wince when I hear someone brag that they have “high standards” for female characters - that before they’ll deign to like a female character, she has to demonstrate X amount of awesomeness. Because we’ll just spot likeability to male characters, but women have to prove that they’re worth our time and sympathy, apparently.

It’s not that we should fling all criteria for judgment out the window - there are bad women just as there are bad men. But we should try to like more female characters - and more female people - not less. A mature philosophy (and I mean this not only about feminism) is one that enlarges our circle of compassion toward the world.

Comments

[carmarthen.livejournal.com]

I've always found this aspect of culture puzzling. Perhaps it's because most of my early experiences with boys was that they were jerks and bullies, but I find it much easier to like women and trust than men, overall (I suppose this has long-term resulted in more women seriously hurting me emotionally, but that's not the fault of "women" but an artifact of me letting more women get close). Although certainly I've known the "I don't really like other women except for my friends" women, and I never feel very comfortable around them...but I've never understood where the women are default unlikeable thing comes from.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

I have never really understood it either, but I've met enough people who believe it - including people who are trying to be feminists - to know that it's a definite cultural thing.

I think it's a result of having it repeated so much - because "women are unlikeable unless they do something to prove otherwise, and it needs to be something way more awesome than a man would need to do" crops up in so much pop culture, some people start to believe it.

And of course when someone approaches people in the spirit of "People who are X are naturally untrustworthy and unlikeable," they'll tend to a) interpret everything X people do in the worst possible light, and b) actually create bad behavior by being unlikeable and untrustworthy themselves.

I think this is why "I don't like other women except my friends" (or, for guys, "I don't like women except my friends") is such an uncomfortable character trait: anyone who says that has basically just announced that they're probably going to be untrustworthy and awful if you ever have a falling out.

[carmarthen.livejournal.com]

*nods* Yeah, intellectually, I guess I get it, but aaaaaaargh.

[anactoria.livejournal.com]

Thank you for linking to that; it's great.

I always wince when I hear someone brag that they have “high standards” for female characters - that before they’ll deign to like a female character, she has to demonstrate X amount of awesomeness. Because we’ll just spot likeability to male characters, but women have to prove that they’re worth our time and sympathy, apparently.

Yes, so much this. :/

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Yes! And it's so frustrating, because it's so close to being a good thing - it's an important part of feminism to pay attention to how female characters are portrayed.

But there's a world of difference between "hating the pattern that the creators are inflicting on the character" and "hating ALL THE CHARACTERS because they can be construed as falling into some annoying pattern." It seems to be hard to convey this difference to someone who doesn't already see it, though.

[anait.livejournal.com]

To assume that the women we meet, and the female characters we read and watch, are likeable until proven otherwise.


Yep, yup, yes.


And going with what you said here - A mature philosophy (and I mean this not only about feminism) is one that enlarges our circle of compassion toward the world. -

Assume that all the people we meet and all the characters we read and watch are likeable until proven otherwise.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Yes!

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

We came across this in the movie Paranorman, which we watched for light fun last night. Actually it turned out to be boring and irksome, for several reasons, but one that infuriated amanen and me was the female characters. They were ALL unpleasant: the stereotypical bratty older sister always on the phone, painting her toenails at one point (for goodness sake, that is a visual cliché and has been for decades), the snotty smart girl, the weak and ineffectual mother, the virago schoolteacher, the ghost witch--whom we're supposed to feel sorry for, but can't, because she's a shrill, harmful brat, unlike the saintly Norman. Whereas of the boys, even the unpleasant one, the bully, came off by the end as somewhat sympathetic--or at least *interesting*. It was nuts. I thought it had to be a Spielberg movie, its view of women was so unreconstructed, but no.

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, that movie sounds horrifying.