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Book Review: Kilmeny of the Orchard
Nov. 13th, 2023 09:52 amOver the years, I’ve been warned repeatedly about L. M. Montgomery’s Kilmeny of the Orchard, which I suspect results in a very different reading experience than going into it cold expecting a good solid L. M. Montgomery book and then discovering that you are instead getting one of Anne’s melodramatic Story Club stories, escaped into the wild where it grew into a novel.
So Kilmeny of the Orchard begins when young Eric, fresh out of college, goes to Prince Edward Island to teach. One day, out for a walk, he stumbles on an old, neglected orchard, rampant with apple blossom -
Let us pause here to give credit where credit is due: this book has truly fantastic orchard descriptions.
The orchard is rampant with apple blossom, as I was saying, and alive with the sound of a violin. Curious, Eric enters the orchard, where he discovers the loveliest girl that he’s ever seen… who gapes at him in appalled horror, and flees like a gazelle!
After trying to put the girl out of his head, Eric asks his landlady, and learns that this girl must have been Kilmeny Gordon, whom almost no one has ever seen. You see, soon after her marriage, Kilmeny’s mother discovered that her husband was already married, so she fled home to her father’s house and raised young Kilmeny in seclusion so total that the only people Kilmeny has ever seen are her mother, her aunt, her uncle, her adopted brother Neil who is the son of Italian organ-grinder who abandoned him after his wife died in childbed in the Gordon’s house, and the local delivery boy.
Neil is madly in love with Kilmeny. Yes, they have been raised together since babyhood. Don’t worry about it. Maddened by jealousy, Neil keeps threatening to kill Eric. Don’t worry about that either. Italians are so hot-blooded, Eric tells himself, and dismisses it from his mind with some Outcast of Redwall style musing about how nurture is as nothing compared to the strength of blood inheritance.
Soon, Eric is also madly in love with Kilmeny. He asks for her hand in marriage, but Kilmeny refuses. She loves him, deeply, passionately, truly! Too truly to allow him to tie himself to her: for Kilmeny, though she has perfect hearing, is mute!
Eric’s friend David, who is conveniently a renowned throat doctor, examines Kilmeny. There is nothing wrong with her throat, he declares. The cause must be psychological!
Eric questions Kilmeny’s relatives, who explain that when Kilmeny’s mother returned to her childhood home, her father had harsh words about the kind of girl who accidentally marries a man who is already married even though she had no way to know that fact and also her husband almost certainly didn’t know either. In a rage, Kilmeny’s mother refused to speak to her own father ever again - even when he rose tottering from his deathbed to beg her forgiveness.
Thus the psychological reason for Kilmeny’s muteness. (“What the fuck?” you squawk. “She inherited her psychologically caused muteness from her mother???” Look, you’ll have to take this up with L. M. Montgomery.) The only thing that might cure her is a sudden shock. Like, for instance, seeing her adopted brother Neil sneak up behind Eric, ax raised, ready to strike a killing blow!
“ERIC!” yells Kilmeny, thus saving Eric’s life and curing her own muteness! Neil runs away to sea, thus saving us all from the embarrassment of a court case, and Kilmeny and Eric are joyfully reunited, as there is no longer any impediment to their marriage.
I for one worry about how Kilmeny “I barely need two hands to count all the human beings I have seen in my life” Gordon will adjust to being a rich businessman’s wife - did I mention that Eric is heir to a successful business empire? He is. Fret not, though! No one else has the least concern about Kilmeny’s ability to adjust, so I’m sure they will live happily ever after.
So Kilmeny of the Orchard begins when young Eric, fresh out of college, goes to Prince Edward Island to teach. One day, out for a walk, he stumbles on an old, neglected orchard, rampant with apple blossom -
Let us pause here to give credit where credit is due: this book has truly fantastic orchard descriptions.
The orchard is rampant with apple blossom, as I was saying, and alive with the sound of a violin. Curious, Eric enters the orchard, where he discovers the loveliest girl that he’s ever seen… who gapes at him in appalled horror, and flees like a gazelle!
After trying to put the girl out of his head, Eric asks his landlady, and learns that this girl must have been Kilmeny Gordon, whom almost no one has ever seen. You see, soon after her marriage, Kilmeny’s mother discovered that her husband was already married, so she fled home to her father’s house and raised young Kilmeny in seclusion so total that the only people Kilmeny has ever seen are her mother, her aunt, her uncle, her adopted brother Neil who is the son of Italian organ-grinder who abandoned him after his wife died in childbed in the Gordon’s house, and the local delivery boy.
Neil is madly in love with Kilmeny. Yes, they have been raised together since babyhood. Don’t worry about it. Maddened by jealousy, Neil keeps threatening to kill Eric. Don’t worry about that either. Italians are so hot-blooded, Eric tells himself, and dismisses it from his mind with some Outcast of Redwall style musing about how nurture is as nothing compared to the strength of blood inheritance.
Soon, Eric is also madly in love with Kilmeny. He asks for her hand in marriage, but Kilmeny refuses. She loves him, deeply, passionately, truly! Too truly to allow him to tie himself to her: for Kilmeny, though she has perfect hearing, is mute!
Eric’s friend David, who is conveniently a renowned throat doctor, examines Kilmeny. There is nothing wrong with her throat, he declares. The cause must be psychological!
Eric questions Kilmeny’s relatives, who explain that when Kilmeny’s mother returned to her childhood home, her father had harsh words about the kind of girl who accidentally marries a man who is already married even though she had no way to know that fact and also her husband almost certainly didn’t know either. In a rage, Kilmeny’s mother refused to speak to her own father ever again - even when he rose tottering from his deathbed to beg her forgiveness.
Thus the psychological reason for Kilmeny’s muteness. (“What the fuck?” you squawk. “She inherited her psychologically caused muteness from her mother???” Look, you’ll have to take this up with L. M. Montgomery.) The only thing that might cure her is a sudden shock. Like, for instance, seeing her adopted brother Neil sneak up behind Eric, ax raised, ready to strike a killing blow!
“ERIC!” yells Kilmeny, thus saving Eric’s life and curing her own muteness! Neil runs away to sea, thus saving us all from the embarrassment of a court case, and Kilmeny and Eric are joyfully reunited, as there is no longer any impediment to their marriage.
I for one worry about how Kilmeny “I barely need two hands to count all the human beings I have seen in my life” Gordon will adjust to being a rich businessman’s wife - did I mention that Eric is heir to a successful business empire? He is. Fret not, though! No one else has the least concern about Kilmeny’s ability to adjust, so I’m sure they will live happily ever after.
