![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Wishful thinking
Apr. 15th, 2016 09:34 amA friend and I have been planning to see Civil War together since about Christmas, and the world premiere gave me a push to finally pin down the dates for the visit – because she lives two hours away; and this was supposed to be a visit, and in fact a visit a couple of days long so we could finally take the trip to a nearby artist colony that fell through in March.
...except it turns out that, in fact, this plan is not more going to work than the visit to the artist colony. As soon as her master’s program gets out, she’s going to a conference and then having surgery and then flying off to Toronto for a week, all in quick succession, and all these things have been planned for months and it somehow never occurred to her that all her days are spoken for and there is literally no time for a visit.
I do believe that it genuinely did not occur to her: it’s just so much of a piece with a wider pattern of behavior, not just toward me but in general. She wanted there to be time for a visit and therefore believed there was, just like she wanted someone to take her work shift so she would have the afternoon off to visit the artist’s colony and therefore told me that she was free – except no one took the shift and on the day of she texted me to say that, in fact, she couldn’t come.
Hell, it’s like the time that we needed softened butter for a cake. We forgot to get it out of the fridge beforehand, so I said we’d have to microwave it a bit to soften it, and she said “Oh no, it will be fine” – except lo! five minutes later we needed the butter and it was rock hard, and we had to microwave it.
Which is not in the same category as the other incidents, I realize – it’s barely even a minor annoyance – but it shows the same pattern of “I wish, therefore it will be so (except then it isn't)". And I could list other examples. The whole “surgery, then flight to Toronto” thing may end up falling in the same category.
She’s not doing this on purpose, let alone with malice aforethought, and presumably a more well-adjusted version of myself would find this fact in some way soothing. “Oh well,” I would sigh, a faint wavelet of sadness and regret rippling across the seraphic pool of my soul; “It is too bad we won’t get to see the movie together, but, after all, that’s just how she is.” And the wavelet would reach the edges of the pool and fade away.
But then, this mythical more well-adjusted version of me would presumably have other friends to see a fucking movie with.
I realize it’s not her fault, and she’s probably genuinely sorry, and probably that ought to make me feel better; but it really doesn’t. I can’t watch a movie with her good intentions or her regret.
Sometimes I wish it were malicious. At least then I wouldn't feel bad about feeling so hurt and angry.
...except it turns out that, in fact, this plan is not more going to work than the visit to the artist colony. As soon as her master’s program gets out, she’s going to a conference and then having surgery and then flying off to Toronto for a week, all in quick succession, and all these things have been planned for months and it somehow never occurred to her that all her days are spoken for and there is literally no time for a visit.
I do believe that it genuinely did not occur to her: it’s just so much of a piece with a wider pattern of behavior, not just toward me but in general. She wanted there to be time for a visit and therefore believed there was, just like she wanted someone to take her work shift so she would have the afternoon off to visit the artist’s colony and therefore told me that she was free – except no one took the shift and on the day of she texted me to say that, in fact, she couldn’t come.
Hell, it’s like the time that we needed softened butter for a cake. We forgot to get it out of the fridge beforehand, so I said we’d have to microwave it a bit to soften it, and she said “Oh no, it will be fine” – except lo! five minutes later we needed the butter and it was rock hard, and we had to microwave it.
Which is not in the same category as the other incidents, I realize – it’s barely even a minor annoyance – but it shows the same pattern of “I wish, therefore it will be so (except then it isn't)". And I could list other examples. The whole “surgery, then flight to Toronto” thing may end up falling in the same category.
She’s not doing this on purpose, let alone with malice aforethought, and presumably a more well-adjusted version of myself would find this fact in some way soothing. “Oh well,” I would sigh, a faint wavelet of sadness and regret rippling across the seraphic pool of my soul; “It is too bad we won’t get to see the movie together, but, after all, that’s just how she is.” And the wavelet would reach the edges of the pool and fade away.
But then, this mythical more well-adjusted version of me would presumably have other friends to see a fucking movie with.
I realize it’s not her fault, and she’s probably genuinely sorry, and probably that ought to make me feel better; but it really doesn’t. I can’t watch a movie with her good intentions or her regret.
Sometimes I wish it were malicious. At least then I wouldn't feel bad about feeling so hurt and angry.
