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After watching Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame, my friends and I - wont as we are to take any opportunity to discuss terrible things that one could do to classic literature - fell into conversation about the worst possible classic novel that Disney could possibly choose to adapt into a children’s movie.
“Anna Karenina!” I suggested.
But further thought argued that in fact Anna Karenina was far too suitable a choice. After all, let’s face it, if Levin’s epiphany at the end of the book were“All I need to do is believe in myself and/or the power of love,” then he would make a pretty decent Disney hero.
And, having realized the importance of true love, even when prior marital vows get in the way, Levin and Kitty forgive Anna for her liaison with Vronsky and team up to save her from her blackguard husband, Count Karenin of the evil mustache and maniacal laugh! (Sorry, Count Karenin. The movie needed a better villain.)
Having realized that Anna has fallen in love with Vronsky, the evil Count Karenin has tied her to the train tracks! Things look bad - until Kitty and Levin arrive! (Possibly after rescuing Vronsky from a tower or something. The evil Count Karenin bound him to a chair to watch his beloved Anna’s demise, planning to come back and deal with him later.)
Together, Kitty and Levin and Vronsky save Anna! Incidentally pushing Count Karenin in front of the train! TRUE LOVE WINS.
You heard it here first, Disney! Call me!
My next thought was Wuthering Heights. Or how about Mansfield Park? Fanny has the whiff of a Disney heroine about her. She’d be like a cross between Cinderella and Belle: downtrodden by her relations, fond of reading, surrounded by talking animal friends - don’t you think Fanny would benefit from talking animal friends? Henry Crawford would be a slicker and more charming Gaston. Maybe he and Edmund would have a duel!
(The important question, though, is what role Mary Crawford would play in this production. Neither Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast provides a template.)
Conrad’s Heart of Darkness! Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment! Everything by Zola! The choices seem so endless; how could we ever decide which would be the very worst possible Disney movie?
“Lolita,” suggested my friend Chelsea.
“BRAIN BLEACH,” we bleated, and unanimously pronounced her the winner.
“Anna Karenina!” I suggested.
But further thought argued that in fact Anna Karenina was far too suitable a choice. After all, let’s face it, if Levin’s epiphany at the end of the book were“All I need to do is believe in myself and/or the power of love,” then he would make a pretty decent Disney hero.
And, having realized the importance of true love, even when prior marital vows get in the way, Levin and Kitty forgive Anna for her liaison with Vronsky and team up to save her from her blackguard husband, Count Karenin of the evil mustache and maniacal laugh! (Sorry, Count Karenin. The movie needed a better villain.)
Having realized that Anna has fallen in love with Vronsky, the evil Count Karenin has tied her to the train tracks! Things look bad - until Kitty and Levin arrive! (Possibly after rescuing Vronsky from a tower or something. The evil Count Karenin bound him to a chair to watch his beloved Anna’s demise, planning to come back and deal with him later.)
Together, Kitty and Levin and Vronsky save Anna! Incidentally pushing Count Karenin in front of the train! TRUE LOVE WINS.
You heard it here first, Disney! Call me!
My next thought was Wuthering Heights. Or how about Mansfield Park? Fanny has the whiff of a Disney heroine about her. She’d be like a cross between Cinderella and Belle: downtrodden by her relations, fond of reading, surrounded by talking animal friends - don’t you think Fanny would benefit from talking animal friends? Henry Crawford would be a slicker and more charming Gaston. Maybe he and Edmund would have a duel!
(The important question, though, is what role Mary Crawford would play in this production. Neither Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast provides a template.)
Conrad’s Heart of Darkness! Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment! Everything by Zola! The choices seem so endless; how could we ever decide which would be the very worst possible Disney movie?
“Lolita,” suggested my friend Chelsea.
“BRAIN BLEACH,” we bleated, and unanimously pronounced her the winner.
