I like it, and like it even better with the suggested changes! The fact that it's (more or less) in James's voice is a point in its favor, I feel--definitely gives it a bit more personality than it would have otherwise.

I'm trying to step back and pretend I don't know the ins and outs of the story, and I'm pretty sure this would have given me a good idea as to what I was getting into, if I'd had it before the beta read? So, success on that front!