I’m not mad keen on this dynamic ever, and I like it even less when the lover is the woman in a heterosexual romance: she’s already so disadvantaged by society, she ought at least to have the advantage of a husband who adores her rather than one who allows himself to be adored.

Huh, as you say this isn't great, but it strikes me as actually better than the other way around; at least in this case she gets to be with someone she actually wants, rather than "well he loves me so I guess I gotta."

Thinking about it further... it does seem to me that the man as the lover and the woman as the reluctant beloved a) is a more typical story, and thus there are more opportunities to get sick of it, b) frames the man as the more active participant, and the woman as the passive prize, which again, tiresome, and c) can play into the idea that of course, women (or, possibly, good women) don't really have sexual desires.

I mean, obviously your mileage varies, and that's fair, I was just surprised, because I never would have thought about it that way.